29 May 2010

Stanley Cup Final: A Viewer's Guide

If your team has (yet again) not made it as far as the Stanley Cup Final, watching the games can clearly get somewhat tiresome. So what can you do to spice up your interest in a series between two small-market expansion teams that inexplicably does not feature the great Crosbechkin?

If you have nothing better to do, why not use my spotter's guide? Score along at home during the series and if you break 30 points, a multi-million dollar prize will head your way. At least that's what Chris Drury and Shawn Horcoff told me...

(I accept no responsibility for the consequences if you instead turn this into a drinking game. Watching a few playoff games is no excuse for drunken debauchery. At least that's what the Montreal Police Department told me...)

  • Dysugtien Bufflin successfully parking himself within three feet of the goal without getting slashed by the guy in a #20 Flyers jersey (2 pts)
  • Chicago writer successfully parking his car within three miles of Wachovia Center without it getting trashed by 20 guys in Flyers jerseys (15 pts)
  • Each use of the following words by Mike Emrick: squib/waffleboard/careen/Brodeur (1 pt)
  • Visual evidence of a living, wild animal in Scott Hartnell's hair (excluding Hartnell himself) (5 pts)
  • NBC or Versus getting through an intermission without any mention of Sidney Crosby (25 pts)
  • Mike Milbury making any kind of wilfully controversial/idiotic/xenophobic statement (1 pt)
  • Pierre McGuire saying the words: "I have nothing to say about Mike Richards. Back up to you , Doc and Edzo." (20 pts)
  • Each shot of Vince Vaughn looking mildly confused in his rinkside seat (3 pts)
  • Each shot of Bob Clarke looking mildly constipated in his luxury suite (2 pts)
  • Each on-screen graphic of a completely inaccurate statistic or statement shown by Versus ("James van Riemsdyk is just the second Latvian to play in the Stanley Cup Final") (1 pt)
  • Eddie Olczyk not attributing a routine play to a "good active stick" (1 pt)
  • Bob Harwood (8 pts)
  • Dan Carcillo drawing a high-sticking penalty (1 pt)
  • Dan Carcillo legitimately drawing a high-sticking penalty (25 pts)
  • Marian Hossa putting in a trade request before Game Seven (5 pts)
  • Brian Burke surviving the whole series without seeking a slice of publicity by holding a press conference, proposing a rule change or trading away several lottery picks (15 pts)
  • Each minute of time Joel Quenneville or Peter Laviolette spends complaining about the officiating (2 pts)
  • Each minute of time Ron MacLean spends complaining about the officiating (0.2 pts)
  • Gary Bettman being received by warm applause as he takes to the ice to present the Cup (50 pts)
  • Anybody at all being received by warm applause as they take to the ice in Philadelphia (51 pts)

12 May 2010

Now Hiring!

It had escaped my attention until today that job vacancies with NHL teams were advertised on the official league website.

Obviously, the primary purpose of my visiting every day from now on will be in the (forlorn) hope of seeing the words "President and General Manager - New York Rangers (Manhattan, NY)" on the list.

Until that great, great day, I can content myself with breaking down some of the current advertisements, reading between the lines to get past some of the typical management jargon that infests these things.

Case in point, this vacancy with our friends on the Island:

Administrative Assistant - Part Time - New York Islanders (Uniondale, NY)

"...meeting and greeting visitors."
Sometimes up to 8,000 in one night!

"Must be proficient with...Excel..."
So you can work out exactly which decade we can stop paying Alexei Yashin.

"The ideal candidate will have three or more years experience..."
i.e. Approximately three or more years more experience than Garth Snow had.

"...excellent verbal and written communication skills..."
No applicants from the Milbury family, please.

"Candidate will work with team members..."
Every chance you will be playing wing next to Tavares by November.

"...between 25-30 hours a week."
Or the same as DiPietro works in a year.

"No relocation assistance available..."
You'd better live close to Kansas City already.

"Please send cover letter with salary requirements..."
...which Mr Wang will multiply by 20 over a period four times as long.